Wednesday, 2 July 2014

(Early July) Almost Bi-Polar

What do I fear? What am I truly afraid of? Let's talk about this, this thing called fear. What has brought me here? Where am I going from the point of oblivion? John Green said, "Pain demands to be felt". I don't want to feel this way, but this is what I'm going to talk about I want this to be an open letter to those that fear. My fear is this Becoming Bi-Polar and ending up stuck on a roller coaster of moods that I may never get out of. Bi-Polar is a mood disorder that causes your moods too become unstable. With moods, you feel happy or sad with Bi-Polar however it's either Mania or Depression which is the extremities of moods.  Medical Studies have stated the factors that may increase the risk of developing bipolar disorder include; Having blood relatives such as a parent or sibling with bipolar disorder Periods of high stressDrug or alcohol abuse Major life changes, such as the death of a loved one
Being in your early 20s

I have checked 4 out of 5 of these things. My Father doesn't know how to function in his own life his Bi-Polar has made him who he is. A man that is trapped in his own moods and just goes day by day dealing with his moods, without contributing to society.         
I want to be a healthy functioning adult even if I do develop my first episode sometime in my 20's I'm now 23 the clock is ticking. Am I destined to become a man who is defined by this disease? Or do I become a man who deals with this headstrong?I'd like to believe that I'd take the latter approach. The real issue here though is that no one talks about mental health.That is what is causing my abrupt fears. I already panic for no reason so I'm halfway there to becoming Bi-Polar.         
Sometimes I joke to myself that I'm Almost Bi-Polar. So I know why no one talks about mental health. For one; it doesn't affect the majority of the population (that we know of anyway). Two, we fear that we're going to be judged by accepting a part of ourselves that is not pretty. No one wants to see the ugly part. We just want to know the boring happy go lucky parts. We as a society ignore the parts that are just as important. We segregate ourselves from ourselves. Within us we have our spirits and the spirits are being challenged and questioned and being ripped apart by no one but ourselves. So this internal struggle is the reason we don't talk. By not not talking about mental health we therefore destruct our mental health. I want to be healthy not happy. If someone explained to me what it's like to experience that first episode then I would be healthier I would know how to deal with it. Right now it's completely insane. I don't want to go crazy but what if I already am and I don't even know it? I'm going crazy over going crazy. That is truly messed up.         
I'm going to talk about my own struggles.  I've written two songs about this subject matter one is called Panic and the second song is called Mania  the first talks about how my anxiety disorder made me become more aware of what is going on, but then it starts to steer into the Bi-Polar direction. One of the line says, "PPPpanicX3 Am I Manic? When I'm down I don't know how to wake up.". I wrote this song after a bad experience with Pot. I vowed to never try it again and for the most part I didn't do it again. I only did 2 more times. After that I decided to solemnly swear never to do it again. I'm only 23 and my brain chemistry is still changing. My second song addresses how I saw my bipolar father as a father who is only a father to me whenever he is manic. I don't want to experience the world only through mania.  Below are Manic symptoms of Bi Polar that I experienced while being high (FYI It's Not Fun) 

Symptoms of a Manic Episode 
Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity, Decreased need for sleep, (for example, you feel rested after only three hours of sleep) Unusual talkativeness, Racing thoughts, Distractibility


Let's Talk About Bi-Polar Shall We? There are 4 episode types 

Episode 1 Manic 
A manic episode is a distinct period of abnormally and persistently elevated, expansive, or irritable mood that lasts at least one week (or less than a week if hospitalization is necessary). During the period of disturbed mood, three or more.... symptoms (above) must be present (four if the mood is only irritable)
To be considered a manic episode:
The mood disturbance must be severe enough to cause noticeable difficulty at work, at school or in usual social activities or relationships; to require hospitalization to prevent harm to yourself or others; or to trigger a break from reality (psychosis).Symptoms do not meet the criteria for a mixed episode (see criteria for mixed episode below). Symptoms are not due to the direct effects of something elsesuch as alcohol or drug use, taking a medication, or a having a medical condition such as hyperthyroidism.

So Knowing this I still have control over my emotions/moods  


Episode 2 Hypomanic Same as Episode 1 But the differences are A hypomanic episode is a distinct period of elevated, expansive or irritable mood that lasts at least four days, and is different from the usual nondepressed mood. 
To be considered a hypomanic episode:
The mood disturbance must be severe enough to cause a noticeable and uncharacteristic change in functioning. 
The episode isn't severe enough to cause significant difficulty at work, at school or in usual social activities or relationships; to require hospitalization; or to trigger a break from reality (psychosis). Symptoms do not meet the criteria for a mixed episode (see criteria for mixed episode below).Symptoms are not due to the direct effects of something else such as alcohol or drug use, taking a medication, or a having a medical condition such as hyperthyroidism

Episode 3 Major Depressive 
Criteria for a major depressive episode
To be diagnosed with a major depressive episode, you must have five (or more) of the following symptoms over a two-week period. At least one of the symptoms is either depressed mood or loss of interest or pleasure. Symptoms can be based on yourown feelings or on the observations of someone else. They include:Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, such as feeling sad, empty or tearful (in children and adolescents, depressed mood can appear as constant irritability) Diminished interest or feeling no pleasure in all — or almost all — activities most of the day, nearly every day. Significant weight loss when not dieting, weight gain, or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day (in children, failure to gain weight as expected can be a sign of depression) Insomnia or increased desire to sleep nearly every day Either restlessness or slowed behavior that can be observed by others Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearlyevery day. Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every dayRecurrent thoughts of death or suicide, or a suicide attemptTo be considered a major depressive episode:Symptoms don't meet the criteria for a mixed episode. Symptoms must be severe enough to cause noticeable difficulty in day-to-day activities, such as work, school, social activities or relationships with others.Symptoms are not due to the direct effects of something else, such as drug abuse, taking a medication or a having a medical condition such as hyperthyroidism.Symptoms are not caused by grieving, such as after the loss of a loved one.

Episode 4 Mixed Criteria for mixed episode
The criteria are met both for a manic episode and for a major depressive episode nearly every day during at least a one-week period.The mood disturbance must be severe enough to cause noticeable difficulty at work, at school, or in usual social activities or relationships; to require hospitalization to prevent harm to self or others; or to cause a break from reality (psychosis). Symptoms are not due to the direct effects of something else, such as drug abuse, taking a medication or a having a medical condition such as hyperthyroidism.


So I've highlighted the distinct differences to prevent confusion the basis of all episodes is this, It is not caused by external influences and it is over a period of 5 days to two weeks time to be considered an episode.

Imagine dealing with everyday mood distrupters over top of dealing with an episode that would be very overwhelming. That alone is what I'm going to keep saying to myself if I ever think about refusing treatments in the future. 

I'm Almost Bi-Polar, but, I'm going to communicate with my doctor, I'm going to communicate with others and ask their opinions on how my moods are. I don't have to be alone in this and no one else should either. I'm still scared but I'm going to be alright knowing that I have the knowledge. knowledge is power even though you have no power over the episodes you can still attempt to address it. However the fear is still here. 

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